As we welcomed our second baby earlier this year, life has been same same but different.
After surviving 4 months with baby Leroy, we sometimes find ourselves a little more confident. Adding a toddler into the equation however, throws us into a new zone altogether.
But we’re happy to say that most days are good, and we’re keeping our fingers crossed for them to get better. After all, parenting is a lifelong learning journey where the adults discover infinite lessons with our little ones.
If you’re expecting another baby, or planning to start a family, we hope our insights and first hand experience offer straightforward and practical tips to help prepare for what to expect!
Let’s go!
1. How has it been caring for a toddler and a newborn? What are some challenges that you’ve faced thus far?
I’d be lying if I said everything has been a breeze!
With a newborn, our engines have restarted to get our breastfeeding journey going, and have a sort-of routine in place for the baby. His feeds are at about 2hr intervals, so I pretty much go about my day like clockwork – he’s my alarm that any precious me-time is up! But a child is not in-built with a fixed schedule – nap times may sway or take longer than usual to sleep (if he even sleeps!).
A new baby means new chapters; things which may seem all too familiar may at times be a little different too, so it’s a little rediscovery in itself with the new baby.
A general routine can offer a guide through the day, and I do covet some “me” time during the day. By that, I’m referring to time to go to the toilet in peace (lest you imagine it’s shopping time or high tea!) or simply stone and browse the Internet when I can. I’ve since realised that embracing the uncertainty of a day makes it more bearable – guess that means baby-led days!
A baby’s needs are simpler than a toddler’s, so it’s relatively easier in a way. Since this is our second child, we sort of count on our past experience to handle situations (we don’t get too anxious when things happen), and I’m definitely more calm now when he cries! Save for the first couple of months when he had trouble sleeping on certain nights – fatigue enveloped me and I was a ball of cranky nerves at times!
With toddlerhood a “new” chapter for us too, it started off a little trying when our buttons were pushed. It took us plenty of effort to adjust our thoughts and actions (no thanks to insufficient sleep for us and a toddler trying to manage her bigger-than-me emotions!), reading helpful articles as well as putting ourselves in her shoes to understand what makes her tick and in turn, we are able to react appropriately without regretting our actions or a Scream Fest.
We’re far from acing it; we’re continuously learning and might I say, it does take some psychology skill + people management, and it does help sharpen one’s skills or unearth and developed those you never knew existed too, which would be really effective at a workplace too! That’s why we think that being a mum should go on our resumes, yes? :P
Some days, I just want to hide in the toilet and pretend I can’t hear anything, and on other days, I wished I had Harry Potter’s Invisibility Cloak.
Sometimes, I’d wish they’re a little bigger so they can be more independent and we need not have to fuss over every single detail. But there are moments we wish for time to freeze, so we could hold them close forever… And time flies faster when we become parents, don’t you think?
2. Has there been any sibling rivalry?
When I was expecting Leroy, we made sure to prepare Vera for the baby. It sounds strange because, how would she understand the concept of a baby when she can’t even see it?
3. How should I prepare my elder child for the new baby?
They say, preparation is half the battle won, and this applies with a new baby too!
We started preparing Vera for our new baby during the second trimester, and when things seemed more “stable” during the pregnancy. Also, my tummy was a little more obvious, so it was easier for her to “see” there’s some changes.
Books
Books are one of the ways to tell her what’s happening with the characters in the story. As we read the books to her, we took the chance to relate it to our family, telling her that baby will play with her, baby needs to change diapers, baby can only cry and drink milk, and baby loves hugs and kisses etc.
We bought a few books to prepare her for the new baby, but this book, I’m a Big Sister by Joanna Cole was our best bet for an under 2!
Similar to using the books for a discussion, we talked about things she could relate to. For e.g. Will you share your toys with baby? Jie Jie will help mummy to look after baby, right?
Getting the toddler involved during preparations for the new baby
Having the older child involved lets her feel part of the new chapters ahead and what’s to come. Asking her to help choose new clothes or toys for the baby, or helping to sort or pack the items in the nursery (e.g. mittens and booties, diapers etc.) gives her some responsibilities which she can hone and a sense of belonging.
I personally feel that this offers her independence, allowing her to play her role in the family, and subsequently when baby is here, it’s a natural progression for her to continue being involved too.
4. What happens if both toddler and baby are crying? Who should I attend to first?
Some friends shared that they’ve chanced upon literature which share that the toddler should be attended to first, since they are aware of the environment, as compared to a baby.
There’s no hard and fast rules – and we’d subscribe to reacting according to individual situations.
In the case when the baby is hungry, and the toddler is having a meltdown, then the quickest way would be to scoop the baby up to comfort him, and speak to the toddler before proceeding to feed the baby (or this might be done at the same time too!)
It sounds strange to feed the baby in the midst of a crying baby, but sometimes, it has to happen, especially if you’re alone at home. With additional hands, it would be helpful to get support and have someone else attend to one of them – if baby is bottle-fed, pass him over and you can attend to the elder child.
If baby is breastfed, nurse the baby and have the other adult calm the elder child. Before the nursing session, tell the elder child that you’ll have to step aside to feed the baby (just so she doesn’t think that you’re disappearing from her sight or ignoring her emotions which could aggravate the meltdown). After the nursing session, address the toddler’s concerns in a calm manner.
When it comes to emotional wellbeing, things can get sensitive or hurtful, and we may not realise it since the elder child is so young, but every positive bit contributes to his/her emotional bank, just as negativity does!
Staying calm, and keeping a positive mindset helps address challenges on a more neutral basis!
5. Any tips for managing a toddler in his/her trying two’s?
As you know, parenting is a never-ending journey until we breathe our last. I guess the most important tip would be to first, learn to manage ourselves – emotionally, mental, attitude etc – before we speak about managing a child.
At every age, parents are put to unique sets of challenges. And at the same time, we are sharpening our EQ along the way, yes?
As toddlers, they are testing boundaries and gaining independence while making sense of the world. Some days, they want to do everything that they are NOT supposed to – and truth be told, that would count as a horrible day for parents :P
In a social setting, it’s all about people, mostly adults in this case. At the workplace, cafe or even with our families, it’s pretty much the same, except that the subjects are (hopefully) rational adults. And this list of what to expect of toddlers might get you nodding away in agreement too!
The young child is all of a grand age of 2 – not 20. It’s important that we understand that they are not able to be as rational as we hope for them to be (just yet).
However, I do notice that being calm and taking time to explain to them (e.g. why big sister should share our toys, or why we can’t go to the playground because it’s raining) does make a BIG difference in terms of them accepting our “grand speech” as opposed to raised voices and commando-style instructions.
During toddlerhood, they are constantly learning while this paves the path to their years ahead. Whether it’s the terrible two’s, trying two’s or terrific two’s, the phase remains, fortunately or unfortunately! HA!
While managing our expectations as parents, you will soon realise that your once-upon-a-time baby has now blossomed into an active and chatty toddler who pretty much knows ALOT about what’s going on. You’ll be surprised because we’ve been stumped by V countless times!
Just as Newton has summed it up: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Summon every inch of your cells labelled ‘patience’ and that might help with tackling the trying toddler!
And, as if you didn’t already realise, parents constantly worry about their children all of their lives. If your child has bid the trying two’s goodbye, get ready to greet the Threenager soon after :P
6. How can we help our toddler appreciate her baby sibling?
Involvement, no doubt!
The toddler may not be all lovey-dovey with his/her new sibling just yet, but like adults, interaction builds relationships. Deliberately keeping the elder child away can cause him to feel like he’s lost his parents’ love and attention, and before you know it, resentment is brewing. As with negativity, a little drop grows and manifests at exponential speed, and can cause one to hold it in their hearts and minds all their lives.
It may not be a rosy path ahead, and we’re no experts today being newly-promoted parents of 2 now. We’re continuously learning and discovering how to help our toddler appreciate having a baby in the family.
7. Any tips for mums who are expecting another child?
Enjoy your current status – being pregnant and being mum to an only child for now! I know how hard it can be when you feel like a whale most of the time – here are 17 things that might go through your head when you’re in your third trimester :P
I’ve often wondered how we would be able to love more than 1 child… and how hard it will be devote time and effort to both individually. I’ve since learned that 1 + 1 does not equate to 2…… and that a parent’s heart grows with each child. Our hopes for each child are the same – for them to be healthy and happy :)
Happy parenting and enjoy the ride! :)
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We find ways to cope don’t we? haha
I’m not sure if I will ever have more than one but i have an inert believe that we’ll just wing it if it happens.
Indeed, it’s quite magical sometimes. We get thrown in the deep ocean and somehow try to survive. Hehe!
Parenthood is indeed a learning journey and you are handling it beautifully, Cindy! Despite the syncronised crying and occasional routine disruption, I’m grateful for having 2 kids with close age gap. Seeing them playing together makes my heart swell.
Awww, thanks for being so sweet! I’m trying my best to keep things sane while balancing everything else. Lol. It’ll be so much fun when your new baby arrives! When are you due??
Very good list of advice. Your daughter is so helpful! I also used books to teach the older one about becoming an older sibling.
She’s a sweetheart on good days – thankfully most days! :p
Books are fab, aren’t they? Glad it was helpful to you too!
I’m like u,. My first is super sticky and jealous ;( he cries all the time, refusing anybody to shower or change his clothes or do anything for him except me. Tiring sia!!
U hang in there!
Oh man, that sounds challenging! Have you got any help at home? We try to divide our time with each of them but I’m the main caregiver for Leroy now since I’m his food source 😂 It gets better, don’t worry! Send Daniel to daddy for some man to man time together! 😝
Wow! Such a loving jie jie in a daughter you have!
She’s a sweetheart mostly. We’re really thankful too :)
Really so much flashbacks when reading your post, :) I’m a sahm ever since I’m 7 months preggy with my first child, now both girls are 7 & 10 years old. It will get better! Your girl is just like my older girl, helping a little here and there.. Indeed a blessing.
Wow, that’s a brave step you’ve taken and for a decade! Thumbs up for being such an involved mum.. It’s not easy! Any tips on how to manage both? 😅
I like that they are both wearing CNY clothes! Sibling rilvary, definitely. My boys are fighting a lot, maybe the big brother couldn’t get use to having 2 little brothers at the same time?
Heh! We were expecting Leroy during the CNY period, hence the matching outfits. And the other best occasion to wear them would be an auspicious occasion – so, TADAH! 😝
Oh my.. How did big Brother take to them initially? It’s not easy caring for 3 so close in age. You’re a brave mama!! 👍🏼
It’s madness at home with 2 demanding little young ones, especially when they are sick or when the caregiver is sick :'( Lots of energy, love and patience are needed. But you are doing a good job! Hangin’ there, this phase shall come to past.
Awww, you’re always so encouraging. Thank you for that! Hope you’re feeling better too.. Take good care and see you soon!